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Clair Mellenthin

Child and Family Therapist

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How To Spring Clean Your Soul

March 3, 2020 by clair Leave a Comment

While we often think of spring cleaning as decluttering our homes, this season can also be a wonderful time to emotionally let go of things that are taking up too much space. All of us have things that are keeping us from being fully present in our relationships and in our work.

Marie Kondo’s famous book “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” teaches us that we can honor things in our home for what they meant in our lives at one time, then learn to let them go. When it comes to the soul, some emotions, experiences, and even individuals may have once held significance but now can be released.

To begin this process, you may ask yourself a few questions. What hurt are you still holding onto? What grudges or painful experiences are taking up space in your heart? Do you have any shame that is limiting you? If so, what is at the root of it?

Letting go of these things isn’t always easy, but by working through your feelings, honoring what has some special memory or notable place in your past, and releasing these emotions and experiences, you can find greater freedom and joy in your life.

The Worst Things To Say To A Child Who Is Grieving

December 8, 2015 by clair 1 Comment

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Most of us struggle in knowing how to give comfort to an adult who is experiencing a loss or death of a loved one, let alone a child.  We often struggle with understanding death as adults and attempt to protect children from having to experience this same mess of emotions as we are.   Many adults are uncomfortable discussing death and dying and use phrases that may be misunderstood by children.   At times however, our well-intentioned messages do the complete opposite of giving comfort!  Here are the top five to avoid!

1- “He/She is in a better place now”

This can be such a confusing statement to a child (or anyone struggling).  What could be better than being here alive with me?? This type of a message can unintentionally cause the child to internalize a belief that “I must have done something bad” or “I must be bad” if being dead is better than being alive and spending time together.  A better thing to say is, “Your Mom  can’t feel any more pain or suffering now because she has died and her body isn’t able to feel these things now”.

2- “We lost your Grandpa”

A young child is going to be very confused by this.  They may wonder “Did Grandpa run away?”  or  “What?! Grandpa is lost?  Let’s go find him!”.  The child may worry about their loved ones health and feel anxious if they are safe or being taken care of by someone nice.  They may worry about them being alone and scared, which is exactly how a child would feel if they were lost too!  A better thing to say is “Grandpa died last night” and answer what questions your child may have about his death.

3- “He/She has gone to sleep and won’t ever wake up”

Young children may become very scared to go to sleep after hearing this, after all, if this happened to Aunt Thelma, then it could happen to them also if they go to sleep!  Many children struggle with sleeping in their own beds following the death of a loved one, as nighttime and being alone in their bed is a perfect combination for their worries and imagination to take hold and create very scary possibilities.  It is normal for a child to experience some regression during this time, they may begin bedwetting, climbing into the parent’s bed, struggling with falling and staying asleep, as well as refusal to be alone.

4- “He/She has passed away”

This is a typical phrase we use culturally to describe the death of someone.   However, most children do not know the definition of  “passed away” is actual death.  A better way to describe death to a child is to say, “Uncle Joe died today.  This means that his heart is no longer beating, his mind isn’t thinking, his lungs no longer work and he has stopped breathing.  His body can’t feel any pain or cold or discomfort”.  Some adults feel uncomfortable about being this upfront or frank about death, but  this is actually a really important lesson every single human needs to learn.  Every single person will both live and die at some point.  It is okay to talk about this openly and honestly.

5- “You should feel happy now that they are in heaven”

Who has ever felt happy when someone has died??  You may feel peace or tenderness or even relief,  but most humans do not experience feelings of happiness and joy as part of their grieving process.  When we say statements like this to kids (or adults) we unintentionally are shaming them for feeling otherwise.  Happy may be the very last emotion they are feeling at this point in time. There are no “shoulds” in grief, especially in childhood grief.  A better way to say this is, “Its okay to feel sad and mad and any other feeling you may feel right now”.

 

 

This Is How We Grow

November 20, 2013 by clair Leave a Comment

Often, when we are going through trials or heartache, we ask “Why?”.  Why Me? Why did this happen? Why am I struggling so much?  Why did my loved one have to die?  We seek answers to questions that have no answers, at least not in this life.  When we are in the midst of personal suffering, we can experience a range of emotions- anger, confusion, betrayal, despair, hurt, sadness.  Often, these emotions get wrapped up in a tight ball in our chest, our stomach, our heart.  It is hard to tell where one emotion ends and the other one starts.

this is how we grow
In the book, This Is How We Grow, Dr Christina Hibbert, PsyD  offers some very interesting insight into grief and our eternal asking of “why”.  She writes:

The question I find more helpful is “How?” “How do I carry on?”  “How do I do what I’m being asked to do?” “How do I learn from this?” “How” is a question of commitment, a question of action, a question of faith.  “How” is an acceptance, willingness, and patience. Though we may not understand “why”, the answer to “how” is always there, if we simply ask. (page 36).

I love this quote, as it changes and reframes our grief experience. By asking “how”, it does not take away our pain, our sadness, our grief but instead of being stuck in a helpless “why” state, it empowers us to now do something or learn something new about ourselves.  When you find yourself again, there is a stronger, more empowered YOU.  YOU were able to overcome, to manage to stay alive, even when you felt your heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces and fear consumed you.  You are still here, you didn’t give up.  You are stronger than you will ever know and yet, as that anniversary rolls around, you will still feel pain and grief and sorrow. This is the beautiful part of bittersweet.  We can move forward, and still feel and experience the joys with the sorrows.  That is not being stuck in your grief.  It just means you are human and continuing to grow.

Nothing can change the experience you have gone through and the ones you have yet to go through.  Loss is part of living, it is a part of life.  However, as we continue our journey is life, changing the “why” to asking “How” may make this mile and this season as little less daunting and a little more empowering.

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Clair Mellenthin, LCSW, RPT-S, Director of Child and Adolescence Services, Past President of UAPT. As an experienced play therapist,
and sought after presenter, she frequently appears on local and national media as an expert on child and family issues.